"I’m not a bridezilla!”
You’re absolutely not a bridezilla!
“What have I ever asked you for, Dad?”
You never asked him for a thing, Tammy. If anything, he’s always borrowing money from you.
“Honey, I’m sorry. I know you’ve never asked for much, but I gotta keep a strike fund ready…look, your uncle could get us the basement at the Elk’s Club for cheap.”
Damn, Tammy, you slammed that door so hard, I think you tore it off its hinges!
“What am I going to do? If I don’t come up with the rest of the deposit by Wednesday, we’ll lose the wedding hall!”
Not to panic, not to panic. Let’s go shopping.
Inspiration, Tammy, inspiration.
“To the mall?”
No, let’s go to Downtown Los Colinas.
“Okay, we’re here; now what?”
“I already have my engagement and wedding ring sets.”
I know. Look next door, what do you see?
“A CPA’s office.”
Do I have to spell it out for you? Think like your cousin Charlie.
“Why…would…I…ever, do a thing like that?”
Because you’re going to need Charlie’s help, as well as your fiancé Larry’s tools.
“I don’t follow.”
Think like Charlie. What do you see, Tammy? One of these things is not like the other.
“Don’t mock me…oh…Oh! There’s no visible alarm on the CPA’s office.”
Exactly. We’ll double-check around back, but I doubt that there’s an alarm. Identity thieves would rather get the information via trash, mail or online. Now comes the hard part. You are going to make nice with Charlie and invite him to your wedding.
“For God’s sake, why?”
Because you don’t know the first thing about tools, theft or anything that comes afterwards. And what are you going to do, research this on the Internet so that you leave a trail for the police to follow?
“But he’ll get drunk and ruin the wedding.”
There won’t be a wedding or a reception if you don’t make nice with Charlie. Do this right and everybody will come out happy, plus you’ll be able to afford a honeymoon.
“And how are we going to pull this off?”
What does Larry have that can cut through all of this, as if it were a slice of wedding cake?
“I’ll stay in the car, Charlie, and radio you if there are any cops.”
“Oh, no, I’m staying out here and you two will go in.”
“Charlie, let’s be realistic for a second. How much safe-cracking experience do you think I have?”
“And you know what kind of a thief I am. I shoplifted that one time when we were twelve and I got caught. Now, how much experience do you think I have with tools?”
“Fine, I get your point.”
“Why should we even cut her in, Charlie?”
“Hey, asshole, did you scout this place?”
“No bitch is going to talk to me—"
“Look, Myron! I’ll talk to you the way I like! I came up with the plan, I scouted this place and these are my fiancé’s tools! If anybody is a “bitch” around here, it’s you begging Charlie to cut you in on my job! Got it?”
“Oh, man, look at this! There must be over $250,000 in loot!”
“Don’t open that bag until we’re out of here!”
“Yeah, sorry. Hey, Myron, don’t you have something to say to my cousin?”
“I’m sorry I disrespected you.”
“It’s all copacetic now, Myron.”
That was a beautiful wedding, if I say so myself. The reception is going to be a breeze, especially without Charlie there.
“I’m worried. Where is he?”
“Who are you talking to, Tammy?”
Shut up, Larry!
“Shut up, Larry!”
“’Uh-oh,’ is right. The cops.”
Three squad cars? Charlie or Myron gave us up, probably Myron because he really did strike me as a bitch. Have the driver stop behind the catering truck before the cops see us.
“Driver? Please pull up behind that truck.”
“What’s going on, Tammy?”
Don’t forget the passports and the money!
“Just get the suitcases out of the trunk, Larry.”
Tell me the keys are in the ignition.
“They left the keys in there, yes.”
“Tammy, who are you talking to?”
Shut up, Larry!
“Shut up, Larry and put the suitcases in this truck!”
“Honey, where are we going and why is that police car chasing us?”
The cake, it’s the only way.
There’s no choice.
“Larry? Open the back door and dump the wedding cake in the road.”
“But, honey, are you going to slow down?”
Yes, look at them spin! Let them eat cake and canyon!
“Why do I even listen to you? When have you ever been right about anything?”
Beats me, what do I know? I’m just a voice in your head and if you took your medication like you’re supposed to, I wouldn’t have to listen to me either.
Patti got the idea from a book of short stories that centered around a wedding cake in the middle of the road. A long time ago, I was going to do a story based on real-life drunken bride that went pugilstic on everyone in sight. Her "inner voice" that steered her wrong was retained, and I added that to a real life jewel heist that happened on The (San Francisco) Peninsula in 2008.