Alterna-Title-Sequel-Tive

Last week I saw a TV ad for a movie remake of a TV series that I kind of enjoyed as a child. It might turn out to be a good pic after all as the actors are good at what they do, but I kind of got the feeling that all this movie had in common with the original TV series, was the title and a couple of the characters names. It seemed to be the worst possible permutation of "missed it by that much."

I thought being a former aspiring screenwriter, why don't I adapt the same reverence and accuracy for the source material that Hollywood does, while even out "Hollywooding" Hollywood and going to the pointless sequel right off the bat.

I'll give you the original book title, and then I'll follow it up with the shameless pseudo-Hollywood rip-off, okay?

The Original: "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"
My Sequel: "Been There, Wish I Hadn't Done That."

The Original: "Jaws."
My Sequel: "Gums."

The Original: "Kiss The Girls."
My Sequel: "Trick The Girls Into Signing A Pre-Nup."

The Original: "Crime And Punishment"
My Sequel: "Parole, Minimum Wage And Ennui."

The Original: "Europe On $25 A Day."
My Sequel: "Your Backyard On A Bag Of Stale Airline Peanuts & Two Cans Of Flat Soda, A Day."

The Original: "The Moosewood Cookbook"
My Sequel: "Fifty Percent Of These Recipes Taste Just Like Wood, Cookbook."

The Original: "How To Influence Friends And Influence People."
My Sequel: "How To Spin Friends And Influenza People."

The Original: "The Old Man And The Sea."
My Sequel: "The Old Man, Spring Break, Viagra And The Heart Attack."