Friday, March 20, 2009

50 Reasons Why No One Wants To Publish Your Book

Bookgasm has "50 Reasons Why No One Wants To Publish Your Book" and unfortunately, I'm suffering from at least a few of these examples...


"21. And the 78th to submit a chick-lit manuscript about an attractive woman’s sweet tooth and affection for footwear, called CHOCOLATE AND SHOES."

Sh*t, I was going to buy a house with that one.

"31. There’s a fine line between writing authentic regional dialogue and making all of your characters sound like stroke victims."

Ah yes, that's where Super Editor Katherine Tomlinson saves the day, or your Cajun pimp will wind up sounding like a punch-drunk Louisianian.

"38. For the first 20 pages, everyone who reads it is certain it’s the funniest book they’ve ever read. Unfortunately by the 21st, they finally realize you’re actually being serious."

No comment...

"41. When writing erotica, you want to avoid graphic descriptions of acne, cellulite and back fat."

Aw, (expletive) limit me, why don't ya?

And finally...

"15. It’s not technically a novel until you’ve written it down first."

Damn, why don't some of my best friends tell me these things?

14 comments:

Paul Brazill said...

Re 21: My story The Magic Hour was going to be in a full Hartlepool-ish at first. then I thought better of it (sobered up) and went for mockney instead!

Princess LadyBug said...

I would have told you, if I had only known. My main problem is #15. :P

Cormac Brown said...

Paulie Decibels,

It makes it a lot easier for those of us on this side of the pond to read. Though I understand from readers of Irvine Welsh and Roddy Doyle that we Yanks can adapt (both of which I will be taking up next month).

Princess,

Hey, at least you've taken some steps toward it and you're a lot further along than 2007.

SkylersDad said...

Back fat is highly underrated!

Cormac Brown said...

Sky Dad,

Absolutely!

pattinase (abbott) said...

How about this one-all your protagonist does is have sex and take pictures?

Cormac Brown said...

Patti,

"How about this one-all your protagonist does is have sex and take pictures?"

Imagine, there was a time in my life when "Through Momma From The Train" was actually too dark for me and now it's too PG-13, though it is still an excellent film.

Bubs said...

"15. It’s not technically a novel until you’ve written it down first."

I see that I'm going to have big problems with this one. THere's a quote that says something like there would have been more great Irish novels, but they were talked away in pubs...

Cormac Brown said...

Bubs,

That's a good quote and now, get crackin'.

Gifted Typist said...

Ha!
Hahaahahahahahaha
Too funny.

I have 92 rejection letters - most a bloody form letter rejects. They would have been more honest if they'd said: we didn't open or read it and don't send anything ever again.

Instead they say it isn't the right fit for their list.

Book Report said...

There are actually tons of reasons for a book not be published. I love reading books and even if these books are out in different bookstores, I'm still questioning the existence of certain books. As a coursework writer, I always examine my work before I actually pass it to my clients. I try to put myself in their shoes to know if what I have written is of high quality. The book authors should try this:)P

Cormac Brown said...

Gifted,

I'm amazed that a columnist of your caliber gets rejected...actually, that's very (expletive) disheartening to me when I really think about it. There's seriously little hope for the rest of us if the editors are that skewed.

As I've said before, sometimes a rejection letter is better than weeks or months of silence.

Bookwork,

Welcome and please, no more quasi-spam.

Gifted Typist said...

Kindess will get you nowhere. My rejections are from a novel written before I realized I didn't have the depth to write novels.

It did win an award. Look under Bill Percy Award
http://www.writers.ns.ca/pr20mar04.html

Cormac Brown said...

Gifted,

It can't be too bad a novel and I'm surprised that there wasn't a publisher willing to take a gander at it.