Sunday, February 25, 2007

"Spin, Couch, Spin"

On a blog that I used to lurk on, a blogger asked a question and I responded with an autobiographical story. She then reposted it to a blog that was going to tie-in blogging with beer, I guess they were going to do their own brew and things didn't quite work out. Here it is, warts and all...

I’ve had alcohol at various stages before then, but fourteen was the first time I got full-on lit up. A friend of mine was in a juvenile halfway house, out towards the beach and I would go visit him after school.This was in 1979, before drug & alcohol testing was so prevalent, so I doubt the same could take place today. A couple of the older residents scored some Ranier Ale, a.k.a. “Green Death” and they invited over the residents of a nearby female juvenile half-way house.

I was crushing on the gal closest to my age, though I doubt she felt the same. She opened a 16 oz. can of Ranier and proceeded to drink the whole thing in three gulps, then she crushed the can.

Of course my young macho ass was not going to have a “girl” out drink me, much less one that was smaller than me. I never drunk more than a few sips of any alcoholic beverage before that day, nor have I ever in my life, developed a skill for speed drinking.I don’t remember a lot beyond that stage, other than that:

A) All the girls drank and ran, literally. They knew how to put it away and not even have to dole out five lines of conversation. Much less, a goodnight hug or kiss.

B) I have no talent for drinking. Not then, not now.

C) They call Ranier Ale “Green Death” for a very good reason, because that’s the way it makes you feel after a couple of cans.

D) When the couch wants to, it can spin like one of those centrifuges that the astronauts train in to withstand G-forces.

E) When the room wants to, it can spin like one of those centrifuges that the astronauts train in to withstand G-forces.

F) Call me “Days Of Our Lives” because I knew just what “the sands of time” felt like when they went “through the hourglass.” I didn’t want to “fall” into the ceiling.

G) That was the first time, but it took me another three times to figure out that carpets everywhere fear me when raw tomatoes and alcohol are involved.

Note: Now you have a pretty good impression of why I only drink once in a blue moon.


rebecca said...

Like you I'm weak. The first time I got hammered I was 17 and got drunk on some cheap-a** beer called Ole English. Now come to think of it, was thar beer? I don't even know anymore. All I know is that that thing got me so sick (and trust me I didn't drink much) thar that did it for me. I quickly learned that hangovers were something that I just didn't have the stomach for (no pun intended) and didn't want to go through ever again! Nope. Never did acquire the 'coolness' of teenage drinking.

Cormac Brown said...


It might have been Olde English, which is malt liquor and I'm not entirely sure that Rainier isn't somehow fortified with malt as well.

"Never did acquire the 'coolness' of teenage drinking."

Outside of Russian politics and possibly some Beltway or country club gatherings, it's not really a desirable life skill, is it?