"Cormac Brown" is my pen name. I'm an up-and-slumming writer in the city of Saint Francis and I'm following in the footsteps of Hammett...minus the TB and working for the Pinkerton Agency. A couple of stories that I've stiched and stapled together, can be found here.
This story doesn't really qualify for the "Best Of," yet it bears retelling and I know that most of you will enjoy it. Schadenfreude at its best, don't ya know?
It took me many, many years to acquire some small amount of tolerence to alcohol, and as I advance in years, there are a few rules I try to stick to.
One, no hard liquer, and should I bend this rule, only have one and make it a clear liquer like vodka or gin. No rum, whiskey, or tequila. It gets me drunk way too fast and I don't really enjoy drunkeness delivered like a .45 slug to the head. Malt liquer is beer with an alcohol content greater tha 6% as most American beers are around 5%. Flannery describes American beer as, "making love in a canoe, or fucking close to water." Malt liquer is a persciption for a hangover.
Two, pace yourself. This is an endurance event. One an hour is a good rule of thumb, and don't feel like a sissy if you have a glass of water between drinks. Your head will thank you later.
Three, avoid a hangover at all costs. No amount of drunken fun can compensate for feeling like something you would scrape off your shoe the next day. Don't mix alcohol. Have a beer or a drink, but don't have both. It is risky to even mix beers, and especially so if you mix liquers. Find something that tastes good and stick with it, even if it sounds "girly".
Four, always eat first and try to make it something that isn't greasey, spicy, sugary, or salty. While Taco Bell always sounds good at 3 am, toast is a better choice.
Five, remember to drink a large glass of water before bed and take two painkillers. This will make the diffence between being worthless the next day and jumping out of bed, eager to greet the day. Also, brush your teeth. Even if you wake up feeling fine, the sensation of having your mouth recarpeted while you slept can put a damper on your day.
Six, too much causes the spins (usually in two different directions just depending on where your axis was when you started), bad falls, bruises, fist-fights, vomiting, and broken or ruined things that you would have rather kept, unwanted pregnancies, memory gaps, lost friendships and days missed from work.
Seven, some people are not meant to drink. It is a fact of life and as true as the fact that God made little green apples, but some folks never figure this out.
Cormac, I am highly flattered that you would dedicate this to me. This is perhaps the highest honor that I have ever recieved, other than the day Flannery agreed to be my wife. I have always tried to keep up with your writing as there is more than a thing or two that I could learn from you, and frankly I find it delightful! Your dialog alone is enough to inspire more than a little envey on my part. You are a masterful storyteller and I hope that this works out for you and provides you with some amount of income/recompence/recognition in the future, as your passion for it should be rewarded. Feel free to contact me with any firearms question you have or any old thing at my Email address, as I'd love to be of some help if I could. Mind you, I only check my Email once every couple of weeks as most of it is just fluff. A much speedier way is to leave a comment in whatever post is on top at my place, as I check in at least twice a day.
No malt liquor is an excellent way to wind up feeling like death the next day. Anything that is fortified will guarantee a hangover, and I've also heard the same of the clear liquor.
This show on The Food Network called "Food Detectives," dealt with various hangover cures. I believe they said the key was to stay hydrated, though I was only half paying attention. You gave a lot of solid advice, especially the no spicy food and brushing your teeth before you go to bed...that waking up with your mouth tasting like a piece of carpet left in a kennel is not where it's at.
Er, and "Seven" is me all over, I was never meant to drink.
I am honored that you are flattered and I thank you very much for the writing compliments. I'll be shooting you an email soon and thanks for taking the time to come over here.
4 comments:
' it took me another three times to figure out that carpets everywhere fear me when raw tomatoes and alcohol are involved.' Splendid
Paulie Decibels,
Thank you and with inanimate objects everywhere, it still holds true.
It took me many, many years to acquire some small amount of tolerence to alcohol, and as I advance in years, there are a few rules I try to stick to.
One, no hard liquer, and should I bend this rule, only have one and make it a clear liquer like vodka or gin. No rum, whiskey, or tequila. It gets me drunk way too fast and I don't really enjoy drunkeness delivered like a .45 slug to the head. Malt liquer is beer with an alcohol content greater tha 6% as most American beers are around 5%. Flannery describes American beer as, "making love in a canoe, or fucking close to water." Malt liquer is a persciption for a hangover.
Two, pace yourself. This is an endurance event. One an hour is a good rule of thumb, and don't feel like a sissy if you have a glass of water between drinks. Your head will thank you later.
Three, avoid a hangover at all costs. No amount of drunken fun can compensate for feeling like something you would scrape off your shoe the next day. Don't mix alcohol. Have a beer or a drink, but don't have both. It is risky to even mix beers, and especially so if you mix liquers. Find something that tastes good and stick with it, even if it sounds "girly".
Four, always eat first and try to make it something that isn't greasey, spicy, sugary, or salty. While Taco Bell always sounds good at 3 am, toast is a better choice.
Five, remember to drink a large glass of water before bed and take two painkillers. This will make the diffence between being worthless the next day and jumping out of bed, eager to greet the day. Also, brush your teeth. Even if you wake up feeling fine, the sensation of having your mouth recarpeted while you slept can put a damper on your day.
Six, too much causes the spins (usually in two different directions just depending on where your axis was when you started), bad falls, bruises, fist-fights, vomiting, and broken or ruined things that you would have rather kept, unwanted pregnancies, memory gaps, lost friendships and days missed from work.
Seven, some people are not meant to drink. It is a fact of life and as true as the fact that God made little green apples, but some folks never figure this out.
Cormac, I am highly flattered that you would dedicate this to me. This is perhaps the highest honor that I have ever recieved, other than the day Flannery agreed to be my wife. I have always tried to keep up with your writing as there is more than a thing or two that I could learn from you, and frankly I find it delightful! Your dialog alone is enough to inspire more than a little envey on my part. You are a masterful storyteller and I hope that this works out for you and provides you with some amount of income/recompence/recognition in the future, as your passion for it should be rewarded. Feel free to contact me with any firearms question you have or any old thing at my Email address, as I'd love to be of some help if I could. Mind you, I only check my Email once every couple of weeks as most of it is just fluff. A much speedier way is to leave a comment in whatever post is on top at my place, as I check in at least twice a day.
Thanks again old friend,
Doc
Doc,
No malt liquor is an excellent way to wind up feeling like death the next day. Anything that is fortified will guarantee a hangover, and I've also heard the same of the clear liquor.
This show on The Food Network called "Food Detectives," dealt with various hangover cures. I believe they said the key was to stay hydrated, though I was only half paying attention. You gave a lot of solid advice, especially the no spicy food and brushing your teeth before you go to bed...that waking up with your mouth tasting like a piece of carpet left in a kennel is not where it's at.
Er, and "Seven" is me all over, I was never meant to drink.
I am honored that you are flattered and I thank you very much for the writing compliments. I'll be shooting you an email soon and thanks for taking the time to come over here.
Happy Fourth of July!
Sincerely,
Cormac
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