I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream At Sp*m, Because It's Obscene

I'm not going to tell sp*mmers how to improve their sp*m, but I will say this...


...putting, "I am very urgently waiting for your response" in the email's title, will not win me over. It is not the email equivalent of flowers, dinner and a movie; it's just not doing it for me. It is the email equivalent of picking a flower out of my neighbor's front yard, because you are too cheap to even buy those wilted, moldering discount supermarket flowers with the price tag still attached.

I tell you what, Mister or Missus Too Lazy To Use Grammar Check? I myself, am "very urgently waiting" to be recognized as a literary tour de force, and "I am very urgently waiting to win the lotto." If either of these come through for me? Well, I will "very urgently," actually answer your sp*m and send you $1,000, no questions asked.

Please note that I will choose the denomination, which will most likely be, the rustiest, crustiest and greenest pennies I can find. Please also note that these funds will arrive at your destination in a heavy duty chest that is chained and crossed chained, with locks that have been welded shut. Finally, note that this $1,000 will be promptly conveyed to you, after you deposit fifteen thousand U.S. Dollars into my bank account. Just because I will be either rich or famous, or hopefully some wonderful combination of both, doesn't mean I'm picking up the tab.

Sp*mmers? I very urgently await your response.


Yours truly,

Cormac "S.O.B." Brown